We just getting a second opinion, doc.
We're going the wrong way!
- Damn! - Son of a bitch.
God! I think we were supposed to be doing this,
and instead we did this.
Shit, shit, shit, shitty shit, shit!
Think you can get us back to that drop zone, boy?
This is not cool!
Maybe.
This is insane!
Are you really going to abandon this movie?
We're supposed to be a unit!
Suck my unit!
All right, fine.
- I'll finish it by myself. - You go be all you can be, man.
Tugg, you have no idea where you're going!
Yes, I do!
I'm going to, "Exterior, rain forest, dusk.
"Smash cut to Four Leaf, who treks alone through a frightening jungle."
Suck on that unit, Kirk!
Come on, men. Let's get home.
Hello, Mr. Mantis. You're beautiful.
Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo
where Hollywood was split into schisms,
some studios backing Blu-ray Disc, others backing HD DVD.
People thought it would come down to
pixel rate or refresh rate, and they're pretty much the same.
What it came down to was a combination of gamers and porn.
Now, whichever format porno backs
is usually the one that becomes the most successful.
But, you know, Sony, every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.
You talking to me this whole time?
I was talking to whoever was listening to me.
Jesus Christ, man!
Booty Sweat.
Oh, God!
It's cold! It's freezing. I'm fucking cold.
You want my flak jacket?
What, are you insane? It's boiling! It's like a sweat lodge out here!
Keep the volume down on that bitching, Flatch Adams.
I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit!
- How we doing? We making good time? - We're making good time,
but there's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown.
All right, fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up!
- Oh, God. - Y'all might be in for a treat.
You know, back before the war broked out,
I was a saucier in San Antone.
I bet I could collar up some of them greens.
Yeah, noodle some crawfish out the paddy, yo.
And maybe some crab apples for dessert, now, you hear? Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah!
That's how we all talk. We all talk like this, suh! Yes, suh.
Yeah, get some crawfish and some ribs.
You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack.
I get excited about my foods, man.
Die!
No!
Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
I have no idea.
I've never been outside the States.
Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding me?
Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?
Dude, were you even in the fucking service?
Yes. Of course. Coast Guard.
- Coast Guard. - Sanitation Department.
Oh, my God! You're a fucking garbage man!
Damn it. F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. Of A.
I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot!
Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots, okay?
You lied about fighting the Vietnam War.
It's like punching the American flag in the face, God damn it.
God, and to think I believed in you!
- I don't wanna be next to you. - Writers lie all the time.
Can I be tied to another post? Okay.
- Rick? - Tugg.
I killed one, Rick.
The thing I love most in the world.
Vivica, get off the line now!
A hooker. All right, you killed a hooker.
Calm down. Here's what you're gonna do.
Get your hands on some bleach,
some hydrogen peroxide and a shitload of lime.
No, a panda.
I killed a panda.
Amanda? Come on, dude.
I mean, that's probably not even her real name.
No, a panda!
A panda?
A sweet, cuddly,
vicious little panda.
Jesus Christ, Tugg! Man, don't scare me like that!
It's beautiful here.
You on the set?
I am the set.
All right, man. Hey, how's the TiVo working out?
Screw TiVo.
I'm way beyond TiVo.
Last I checked, they hadn't hooked it up, though.
Hadn't hooked it up? No TiVo?
It doesn't matter anymore.
I've moved on.
Where have you moved on to?
Another agency?
Who's with you?
It's Nick Stevens, isn't it? That little fucker.
You are still my client, Tugg Speedman! I am getting the TiVo!
Jacket's on, I'm out the door!
Tugg?
Please don't fire me.
I did it, I did it!
Vivica, what do I have scheduled this afternoon?
- Two and a Half Men taping. - Shit.
Cancel it.
And get me Tugg's Tropic Thunder contract.
I'm going to Grossman's office, I'm playing the card.
Okay.
Oh, mama. Thirsty.
He doesn't look too good.
Must drink, so I can throw something up!
No, no. Don't drink that water! That water's like a petri dish!
No, don't!
Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?
Yeah, get him chugging on some of Alpa's ass water.
That'll bring him around. It's a cure-all.
Man, what you coming out in movies for anyway?
Did you need another revenue stream?
For your information, my revenue stream
currently generates $2 million a year
in charitable contributions for my community.
- Hot damn. - And why am I in this movie?
Maybe I just knew I had to represent,
because they had one good part in it for a black man
and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.
Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure.
I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your barbie.
That shit ain't funny.
Hey, fellas! It's hot! We're tired! It stinks!
I'm just fucking with you, Kangaroo Jack!
I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.
You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid.
- You about to cross some fucking lines. - Guys, relax and stuff.
You know what? Fuck that, man!
I'm sick of this koala-hugging nigger telling me...
For 400 years,
that word has kept us down.
What the fuck?
It took a whole lot of trying just to get up that hill.
Now we up in the big leagues,
getting our turn at bat.
Long as we live, it's you and me, baby.
That's the theme song for The Jeffersons. You really need help.
Yeah. Just 'cause it's the theme song, don't make it not true.
You know what? I'm gonna tell you what's true.
I'm gonna tag you back. You better believe that, baby.
Guys! Hey, guys!
Jeff, stay away from that animal.
I'm gonna bite his hide. I need...
I need to wear his stomach skin like a unitard.
Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body!
Now, if Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk,
put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!
We got ground to cover!
All right, POW camp, scene 67.
Bring it on, Cockburn!
Maybe he's not, you know, Ridley Scott or something,
but I think Renny Harlin's a tremendous filmmaker
like, Adventures of Ford Fairlane, you know,
as far as an Andrew Dice Clay vehicle goes, it's pretty decent.
And Cliffhanger. Cliffhanger's incredible.
As far as the whole like, man against nature type of movies go,
it's absolutely amazing.
Shut the fuck up!
Who send you here?
Tayback, John, Sergeant, United States Army.
Serial number 694529987.
Perhaps some hot tea will make conversing
a little easier.
My leader's not quite as cordial.
Look, what? I just thought you might like some hot tea
- in order to calm your nerves. - Tayback, John, Sergeant,
United States Army, 694529987.
And here's a little message from my Uncle Sam.
Dude, you all right?
Man you totally leaned into that.
I was pulling it back and you just came in too...
Hey, it was an accident, man.
Come on, good. You want to keep going?
- Let's go. - Get up.
I rather rot in your V.C. Jail!
I'll never bend to your will! You scum! You scum!
Now say this and go to the beginning again,
let's do the tea part, okay?
Dude, I hope you're not pissed.
I see moss on both sides of that tree.
Well, you know, maybe if I wasn't the only one at boot camp...
My belly really hurts, you guys!
I'm not joking around, I'm nauseous.
Let me off, I gotta puke! I don't wanna die like Hendrix!
All right. All right.
Are you okay, Jeff?
I'm awesome.
Holy shit!
Okay. Everyone, down, down, down.
Man. Now I'm tripping.
That looks like the POW camp from out the script, yo.
Speedman was right?
I don't think so.
Look at the cooking vats, the armed guards.
Looks like a heroin processing plant.
We were in that chopper for hours.
I don't even think we're in Vietnam anymore.
- Fuck. - Shit. We ain't even in 'Nam?
No, most likely Myanmar or Laos.
What the fuck is Laos?
It's the Golden Triangle.
Oh, fuck. We're dead.
No one gets out of here. I saw it on TV.
Fucking boats, airplanes, UFOs and shit, they all just vanish!
Yo, that's the Bermuda Triangle, dumbass.
This is the Golden Triangle.
It's the world's hard drug superhighway.
How do you know that?
It was a really long trip. I read the in-flight magazine.
Cut!
Oh, Jesus!
What do you see, man? I'm blocked.
Damien, cut!
Hey, Damien, cut!
They got Speedman.
And it doesn't look good.
I am Tran.
You are a trespasser in my poppy fields.
You are D.E.A. Scum!
Were there some re-writes that I missed?
Do you want to die?
- Do you? - No!
Please, don't hurt me!
Say that again.
Please, don't hurt me.
No! Like you did before! Say it!
Say it!
Please, don't hurt me!
- What? - You are Simple Jack.
You saw Simple Jack?
We love the tale of this man, Simple Jack.
We do not have many luxury here.
And Simple Jack is the only movie we possess.
You got the VHS.
We've watched it many, many times.
You should've got Oscar.
Well, you know. It's...
Just to be nominated...
You were nominated?
No, no, no. I wasn't nominated.
I'm just saying that to have been nominated would have been nice.
It's just... It's very political. You have to take out ads...
- Shut up now! - Okay. Okay.
So, are you going to
let me go, or...
No. We'll hold you for ransom.
Much more money now!
He's in a meeting.
Yeah, I know. In about two seconds with the Pecker.
I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off.
You wanna talk about trouble? That's trouble.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What do you need, Peck?
No, more like what do you need, Les?
Glasses?
What?
So you can read the Tropic Thunder contract
that guarantees my client, Tugg Speedman,
some form of digital video recorder on location.
- Huh? - I can't believe you let him in.
Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy, so why don't you get the hell out of here
before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass?
No, not you, Helen.
But I will rip your tits off if you don't get me those theaters.
Perfect.
Hey, Tuggernuts, I've got you on speakerphone.
I'm standing here with Les Grossman,
and he is dying to tell you why he's apparently wiped his ass
with the TiVo clause from your contract.
We are Flaming Dragon.
Speedman is with us now.
For 50 million, you will get him back.
- Are you gonna get those... - Who is this?
- And how did you get this phone? - We are Flaming Dragon!
Simple Jack belong to us now.
He does, does he?
Let me tell you something, shitbird.
I've never even heard of your little agency.
But if you think you can poach my client...
Send $50 million, or you no see Simple Jack again because we kill him.
This is Les Grossman. Who is this?
This is Flaming Dragon!
Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface.
First, take a big step back and literally fuck your own face!
Now, I don't know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play
you're trying to pull here, but Asia, Jack, is my territory.
So whatever you're thinking, you better think again.
Otherwise, I'm gonna have to head down there,
and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you.
You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations
and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you.
I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker!
I will massacre you!
I will fuck you up!
- Could you find out who that was? Go. - Yeah. Yeah.
You wear these. More like Simple Jack teeth.
Okay.
Hey. Look, I know you're a big fan, and that's great...
Put teeth in!
Now do movie.
The whole movie?
I can't. I don't know the whole...
You perform! You perform or die!
Monkey swine!
Pa.
More stupid!
Pa, why you gotta make me feel bad?
You saw what I saw.
Tugg Speedman is dead meat if we don't do something soon.
Yeah. We could do something by getting our asses back to the hotel,
which is in the other direction!
Ain't right.
What would've happened in The Great Escape
if Steve McQueen and them dudes had turned tail and ran?
Well, that's what that movie was about. They were escaping. They ran away.
I'm trying to agree with you. The point is they did something.
Then what are we supposed to do, huh?
'Cause he's cleaning a gun with no bullets. Yeah, that's a plan.
I'm just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he's nervous.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I got an idea. This might be a little crazy.
Crazy's better than nothing.
Back in '98, I did a low-budget titty comedy for Skinemax.
- Sex Camp. Remember it? - Yeah.
Anyway, me and the campers from the uncool camp
had to break into the rich girl camp.
So, what we did,
we built a catapult out of logs and underwear,
and they shot us over the wall, and we parachuted down.
Look,
you guys, we already know the plan.
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm giving you gold.
We do it just like in the book, Chapter 26, the Wet Offensive.
The book of Tropic Thunder.
Yeah, did you guys read the book?
The flap, I read the back flap and saw the pictures.
Well, it's okay. It's exactly the same as in the script.
Cool.
You guys all read the script, right?
I don't read the script, script reads me.
What the hell does that even mean?
What you getting at with the books, scripts? Spit that shit out, man!
All right. The Wet Offensive.
Osiris and Fats go undercover as a diversion.
Motown and Brooklyn sneak in via the river.
Yeah. But those dudes was trained soldiers.
Yeah!
And we trained actors, motherfucker.
Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat.
Some of us might not even make it back.
What do you mean? Like not on the same flight?
Alpa and I's already wearing earth mama's natural night camo.
- Cool it, Benson. - Sorry.
We gonna scout, get a plan together. We ain't back in 20, come looking.
We are Flaming Dragon.
Okay.
Flaming Dragon's a heroin manufacturer.
They're responsible for an eighth of the drug trade in Asia.
- Huge profit margin. - Guys!
Would somebody please let me know what the game plan is?
Peck! We have it handled.
Please, don't interrupt. Everything's under control.
I got it. Got it.
- Les Grossman. - We not get money yet.
Price now 100 million!
You pay now, or tomorrow Simple Jack die.
Great. Let me get this down.
100 million.
Wait! I got a better idea.
Instead of 100 million,
how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese?
Then you kill him! Do your thing! Skin the fucking bastard!
Go to town, man! Go to town!
- No... - In the meantime, and as usual,
go fuck yourself!
- No. - We don't negotiate with terrorists.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, are you insane?
- I think I could've done that better. - I thought it was good.
They're gonna kill him!
And?
"And?"
It's a cold, hard world. Shit happens.
We'll weep for him, in the press.
Set up a scholarship in his name.
Eventually, and I'm talking way, way down the road,
we file an insurance claim.
Preferably before the end of the fiscal year.
Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose.
You can't be serious.
You kick in the door to my house,
all ants in your pants, sucking my left nut to get a TiVo scrap
for the third runner-up Sexiest Man Alive 1998,
and you're asking if I'm serious?
Let's face it.
The kids aren't dressing up as Scorcher for Purim anymore.
Speedman is a dying star,
a white dwarf heading for a black hole.
That's physics. It's inevitable.
We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
The universe is talking to us right now.
You just gotta listen.
See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun.
Yeah.
Ask and you shall receive.
- All right. - You play ball, we play ball.
I know you want the goodies.
Welcome to the goody room.
You paying attention? 'Cause I'm talking G5 for the Pecker.
That's how you're gonna roll.
No more frequent flier bitch miles for my boy.
Yeah!
Playa.
Playa!
Big dick playa.
Swinging past your knees!
Big dick, baby.
Yep.
Or you can grow a conscience
in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to let my client of 15 years,
one of my best friends,
die in the jungle, alone, for some money and a G5?
Yes.
A G5 airplane?
Yes.
And lots of money.
Playa.
Yeah!
Smack it up, flip it, rub it down!
But Mama take care of Jack a lot.
How many more sleeps before she wakes up again?
Sorry, Jack.
She in heaven now.
Damn! I thought the movie was bad.
She sleep forever.
To the man's credit, he's actually eased up on the retard throttle.
And now that's added a balance, and the audience can connect.
I mean, this is Theater 101, but, you know, he's had a tough road.
He'll become a naturalist.
- Yeah. - Break down the aesthetic distance,
then the...
Told you I'd tag you back.
Can I tell you that I'm sorry
for any offense I might've caused, man?
- I just got caught up in... - In being a dumbass?
I guess so.
Why you still doing this Chicken George shit, I have no idea.
- Neither do I. - It's beyond me.
- You confused.
- I am a little confused. - I know.
But are we cool?
Not really.
Hey, man.
- How's it going? - Good. Yourself?
Hey, so, if it's no big deal,
I think I'm just gonna hang back here for the mission.
Watch the stuff.
- Is that cool? - What? No!
We need you, Jeff.
What are you talking about?
Okay, look, man.
- I got something to tell you. - Okay.
You know those jellybeans I was eating?
Well, they weren't jellybeans, okay?
- They were drugs. - Really?
I get down there near the mother lode, I am done. I'm jonesing bad, man.
I'm gonna fucking do all the heroin in the fucking world.
If you guys wanna make it through this thing, you gotta strap me to a tree.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, I'm serious. Literally, a tree.
And you can, no matter what, you can't fucking untie me until it is done,
until it is out of my system.
I'm gonna say, "Hey, man, I'm cool. It's cool.
"I'm finally better. I'm finally better. Untie me."
Don't listen to me! Anything I fucking say is a lie!
You got it!
Goodbye, Mama!
Now you can have ice cream in heaven.
I'll see you tonight, when I go to bed, in my head movies.
But this head movie makes my eyes rain.
Dang. Short-bus is taking some real hits.
- They got him on the move! - That's torture, man.
Okay. That's where they keeping him.
I gotta get cracking on my costume.
Say, are you good with a needle and thread?
Hell, yeah.
Alpa Chino chinos sold more than five million pairs last spring at the Gap.
- I sewed them patterns myself, baby. - Let's roll out.
It's a little twig man Oscar.
I'm going to call you Half Squat.
And you can call me
Papa.
Wow, look at all those stars.
Really makes a guy feel pretty small.
This could be the last time we look at these stars.
Man, that's beauty.
Nights like tonight make a man wonder what it's all about.
Hey, you guys. Anybody got some bug spray?
Don't ignore me!
Stick it out, man. We're gonna get through this.
- Hey, Kirk? - Yeah?
Are you still dating Jennifer Love Hewitt?
'Cause I think she's hot.
No, that was just some tabloid conjecture.
Hey, guys, I'm good. I made it through. You can untie me now.
Funny, huh?
The circus life 280 days a year on location.
It's hard to find a girl that can hang with that, you know?
Not one worth keeping, nohow.
Hey, Radar? Evans?
No, it's Kevin.
Kev, whatever the fuck. Come over here.
I didn't tell you, but Fatties: Fart Three is coming down the pike,
and there's a role in there for you if you come over and untie me.
Jeff, you're just going to have to tough it out.
Your mother's a cankerous whore!
Jesus, man.
Hey, man.
Remember way back when I said your mother was a cankerous whore?
I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not.
How about you, man?
You got some little minx waiting for you on the other side of tomorrow?
Me?
I've barely even had a girlfriend, and...
I was really hoping I'd get laid when this movie came out,
but that's not gonna happen.
What about you, Masterblaster?
You got a certain someone you trying to get with back in the States?
What, Alpa Chino? He's like 10 girls deep, 24/7.
No. You missing me, man.
I'm talking about something special. Big difference.
How about it?
Yeah.
Yeah, there is.
Well? What's the skinny? Y'all been on a date or what?
No. I mean...
I always wanted to, but I guess I just never had the courage to ask.
It's... It's complicated.
No! It's simple as pie, man.
You plant your feet in the ground, you look her square in the eyes, you say,
"Hey, baby, you and me's going on a date." That's the end of story.
- What's her name? - Lance.
"Listen here, Lance..."
Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?
- Did you say "Lance"? - No!
- That sounded like "Lance." - No, I said "Nance."
- That's what I said, "Nance." - It sounded like "Lance."
Look, I'm Alpa Chino, okay?
I love the pussy! All right?
Lay your ass back down and look at the stars.
When you wrote I Love Tha Pussy
was you thinking of dangling your dice on Lance's forehead?
Oh, hell, no! What? Come on. Look.
- Man, everyone's gay once in a while. - I'm not gay!
This Hollywood.
How about we all get back to work?
- Okay. Cool. - This is ridiculous!
We got a big day tomorrow. Let's get focused.
Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick right now.
I told you, for the last time, I love the pussy!
I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft,
work the pipe and swallow the gravy.
Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.
Okay, so, what's the plan?
Are you gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
No. No. Mandarin Chinese.
Which, from what I can tell, is what they speaking down there.
How the hell do you know Chinese?
Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar.
Prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
That might be our ride.
The straps are too tight!
Shut your mouth and follow my lead.
The straps are cutting off my circulation!
Fuck you!
Not the fucking bull again. Fucking asshole.
Laz, don't let him take me off the yak.
Bitch whore! Fucking hate you!
Okay.
All right.
That looks like it could be the munitions hut right there.
I'm gonna try to find Speedman in the main building.
I don't know Chinese but it sounds like your improvising is for shit.
Oh, fuck!
Get over here!
- What are you guys doing here? - He has hands.
- He killed Damien. - Bullshit!
- He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis. - Almost!
What are you talking about? Damien stepped on a old landmine.
Sweet. Thank God.
- We busting Speedman out. - Speedman's here?
I take it y'all are doing the Wet Offensive from the book.
I can give y'all a diversion.
I got enough shit here to light this place up like it's the Fourth of fucking July.
Yes, your farm.
Where is your farm,
American?
My farm?
Oh, shit.
Here's my motherfucking farm!
Yeah!
Yeah! Chicka-chickaw, baby!
Kwan-Lo!
I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, keep your head down!
Keep your head down on the ground!
Nobody move or I do the little big guy!
That's right, we running this program now, J.P.
Now show me where the drugs are.
What the fuck?
That ain't the plan!
Don't judge me!
He's got a real serious problem.
Hey! Hey, you!
Take off your clothes!
What do we do now?
Stick with the plan. Find Speedman.
Alpa, keep this clown posse down. Come on now.
Y'all heard the man. Be suede, don't move!
Fuck your do-rag. Fuck your do-rag.
- Door! - One, two, three!
I go high, you go low.
Get down. Get down! Get down! Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down!
If I see one more head pop up, it's gonna be bullet Whac-A-Mole.
Come on, come on!
- Smoke grenade. - Don't drop it now.
Here.
- What's this? - I don't know what it's called.
I just know the sound it makes when it lies.
Don't move, Matchbox, or I will shoot you.
I'm gonna put on this thing. Don't move.
I can still see you.
Tugg!
Tugg?
Gotcha.
Roll your shit up, man. We going home.
Home?
But I'm doing five shows a day for a standing-room-only crowd.
Don't you get it? I already am home.
All right, now, dude, you gotta get it...
My son gave this to me.
- That's your stick buddy? - His name is Twigman.
Does he wanna come with us?
Get down! Get down! Get down!
Maybe y'all heard of me. Y'all heard of Alpa Chino? No?
I love that pussy, hell, yeah, hell, yeah
They're not your demo, dude.
Come on. Six motherfucking VMAs, baby.
Two BET Awards. Alpa Chino.
Like him in Carlito's Way?
Hey, yo, you know what? Speak English. I don't speak that stuff.
What're you sayin'? Huh?
Devil's Advocate. Dog Day Afternoon.
Cruising. Sea of Love.
Real Al Pacino.
Get the fuck down. That's a whole different dude altogether.
What you doing? What you doing? Don't touch that gun.
Don't do it! Don't touch that gun!
On my momma, if you touch that gun...
- Oh, shit, it's on! - Over here!
- What're you doing? - I'm gonna give these boys
a Hanoi high-five.
Shadow me, Pinocchio!
Smoke!
Oh, shit!
Jeff, don't!
It doesn't matter what I do.
I'll always be a screw-up. No one'll ever respect me.
That is not true, you are not a screw-up! You make so many people laugh.
They only laugh at my farts.
Jeff, we really need to go now!
This is all I deserve!
Laugh at that, you bastards!
Hilarious! Hilarious!
Let's move. We only have 16 hours before they wake up.
Sounds like the dinner bell's ringing.
These assholes are gonna be crawling in here ready to fucking eat us.
There. All right, you keep six right here.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, what are you guys doing? Let's get out of here!
He's on tilt status.
Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot.
They found me in an alley in Burbank
trying to re-enter the Earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.
What're you talking about?
Come on, fellas, we really need to go.
Daggomit, Blamtucky, I ain't re-programming a VCR.
Give me the flame thrower. You gotta start the chopper.
- No, fuck that! Just give me this. - No time! I'll take care of this!
All right. Give me your hooks.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna put them on again.
- Just give me your goddamn hooks. - All right. Here.
Get those boys back to the bird, pronto!
Shit! Enough!
Fake shit!
Fuck!
Go get your guys! Get them to the chopper!
I'll take care of these yahoos!
You're gonna focus up now, motherfucker, and say it.
- "It's me, Tugg!" - It's me, Tugg.
That's right! Now, Tugg who?
- Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you? - Me?
I know who I am!
I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
What?
You a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is
and claims to know what dude he is...
What the fuck are you guys talking about?
...by playing other dudes?
I know what dude I am!
- You're scared. - I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Or scared of who?
- Scared of who? - Come on, guys. We really need to go!
Scared of you.
- Jesus. - What's going on?
The dudes are emerging.
He's right, you know.
I am not
Sergeant Lincoln Osiris.
We gotta roll out.
Nor am I Father O'Malley.
Or Neil Armstrong.
I think I might be nobody.
Wow!
The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!
- Everybody's got issues! - Yeah, man, everybody got issues.
Come on! You're Kirk Lazarus.
You're the whole reason I got into acting.
I memorized every single monologue
you ever did when I was in theater school.
- Really? - Yeah. And look, Tugg!
I saw Scorcher I 24 times when I was in eighth grade.
That shit blew me away! I got high to that shit! You the man!
Yeah, man, Scorcher I was great. Let's get the fuck out of here!
Tugg, Tugger, you're the last piece of the puzzle, buddy.
We need you! Your men need you! Are you with us?
I'm a rooster illusion.
Fuck it. We'll deal with him later.
Let's move. Come on. Come on. Double time. Gotta go!
Come on, come on, come on.
Bingo! Move out.
Oh, God.
Just say no to this, you drug-making midget.
Gotta hold on!
Four Leaf!
You grew hands?
RPG, gentlemen!
Where are you going?
Oh, my God. I am moving to catering after this.
My ass!
Hey, yo! We gotta get our shit together, Tugg!
We gotta get his cracker ass to the chopper!
Are you still crazy? We gotta get Candisky to the chopper!
It's Sandusky.
- Kevin Sandusky. - That's my name.
You remembered my name.
Alpa, go help Cody.
Portnoy, get Sandusky back to the chopper. Go!
- I got him! - Let's go!
Let's get out of here!
Hey, Leaf!
- Leaf! - Yeah.
Hit the plunger
- as soon as they clear the bridge! - Got it!
Come on! Get in the chopper!
- Come on! Move! - Kirk! Wait!
Laz, I'm gonna blow the bridge!
Are you the special effects guy?
- You God damn right I am. - Fuck yeah!
Leaf's about to blow the bridge. Come on!
You don't have to! You don't have to! I'm staying.
No, I can't let you do that, mate. We gotta go.
No, I'm telling you, I'm not being crazy. They'll listen to me.
I know it sounds weird, but I have a connection with them.
You're not doing tofu dinner theater for these motherfuckers. Let's roll!
- Get over here! - I have a son now. Little Half Squat.
Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?
He's my son. He's my boy!
He needs me. I have to go back to him.
You tell the world what happened here.
What happened here?
I don't know, but you need to tell them.
I got this.
Tugg!
You take care of the boys! I'll deal with these guys.
Where is he going? We're gonna fucking die!
Laz, come on. He joined the circus. Let's go.
- You've got hands. - Yeah.
- Fuck! You've got hands? - Come on!
- Get in!
- Come on! - He's staying?
Go! He's a lost cause, mate! Get out of here!
I was wrong! Blow the bridge! Blow the fucking bridge!
I got this.
Leaf, no!
It's over! He's gone!
Cody! We gotta go!
Look.
Think he's done.
Cover me!
- Come on! - Wait, come back!
How do we cover him?
All right, game over. Come on, mate. Come on.
- You all right, man? - I'm cold.
I can't feel my legs.
No, no, they're in a puddle, mate. See? There's a puddle right there.
- No worries. - Good.
Come on, we gotta split, man.
- You guys came back for me. - Course.
Hey! I want you to know something.
What?
I know who you are.
You're my friend.
You're my brother.
But like a really cool brother, you know?
Like a brother where there was no animosity or...
Don't look now, you got some real tears going.
Really?
That's the stuff that accolades are made of.
Jesus, let's go, man!
All right?
Upsy-daisy.
Come on! Come on! Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
Get in! Get in!
Come on! Here we go!
Tuggernuts! I got it!
- Tugger! - Rick!
What the fuck?
I got the TiVo!
My friend wants a TiVo, my friend gets a TiVo!
Oh, shit!
And the Oscar goes to...
Yes! Tugg Speedman.
"Tropic Blunder, The True Story Behind the Making
"of the Most Expensive Fake True War Story Ever."
Yeah!
Yeah, you son of a bitch!
Eight Oscars, $400 million
and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
I couldn't have done it without you, Slolom.
Really?
No, dickhead, of course I could.
- A nutless monkey could do your job. - Well, I...
Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
- I would never do that to... - Joking.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Very... Okay, there he is.
- There he is. Okay. - Go have fun.
All right. We're having a...
Fuck, okay. Thank you, Les. Thank you. You have a good night...
But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.
Good. Thank you, sir.